Ok...this officially sucks. I'm thinking of closing this down permanently. If you would like to continue reading, please see my new wordpress blog

Trying something new

In a couple of ways :) First new thing: I've gotten a laptop!!! Yay!!! Ostensibly for school, but a little fun can't hurt. Secondly, I've signed up with a loss support board. Hopefully this will help me deal with the anger I've been feeling. Let's hope I don't choke on the 'babydust'. Third and final, I'm trying the new blogger beta. Let's hope I don't end up hurling new laptop across the room in frustration.

School for me starts Monday, for B. on Tuesday. Wish me luck!

It's that time of year again folks! Yep school starts in these parts next week. So I spent my day yesterday in a flurry of school supply purchasing, with one distinct difference. I bought supplies for my baby to start Kindergarden. I am so not ready for this. He's my baby! My itty bitty! My tiny five pound boy that I brought home *only* five years ago! (Never mind that he's over 60 lbs now. I don't care ) I guess the important part is that he is completely excited. I got all of his supplies, including a new Spiderman backpack. He has a Dora one we bought last year, but I didn't want the kids to make fun of him for a pink and purple backpack, so Spiderman it is. One item on the list shocked me. They required him to get a pair of headphones for computer work. In Kindergarten! I didn't touch a computer in school until my junior year of high school. My typing class in high school was on typewriters!! (stop laughing, I'm not even 30 yet) My vague memories of kindergarten consist of fingerpainting and storytime. My son will be on computers and have homework. Wow. Well to console myself I got a new backpack for me too :) Nothing like retail therapy to help offset childish pouting. While I am excited for him, I just want him to be *mine* a little bit longer. I know it's completely cliche, but he is growing so fast. Oh well.

I found this cool service and thought I would share it with the book lovers out there :) at www.librarything.com you can create an online catalog for your books. It is so, so simple to do. It gives you an area to look up the books, I've been doing it by ISBN number, and compiles a catalog listing. It only took me 15-20 minutes to enter in 65 books. (sadly, not even a dent in my collection) So check it out if your interested!

In other news, is there a company anywhere out there where there isn't catty backstabbing and general bi*ching? Is it that unusual to not want to be a part of that? I really, really don't want to deal with this crap. I don't have the time to! Yeesh. Can I say again that I am so glad I work the night shift and only have to deal with said bitchy backstabbers for an hour a day? Good gravy.

A little over a week until school starts. For me and my baby. Eep. (My *baby* is going to school?!?!? I did *not* authorize this people!)

Oh and I've noticed that the new template looks like crap in IE, but it looks great in Firefox and that's what I'm using. And since I don't have any idea how to fix it, I guess y'all are stuck for a while :)

edited to add: I read to fast to keep updating that durn side bar but lets see, in the last couple of days I read Shades of Earl Grey by Laura Childs, A Quiche Before Dying by Jill Churchill and finished Queen of the Damned. Can you guess what I do at night when the calls slow done to nothing?

Which Flower are You?

You are an Iris:You are logical, analytical, dignified, and wise. You are studious by nature and may prefer books to people. You tend to be a serious person but are capable of making others laugh with your dry sense of humor. Friends always benefit from your advice.Symbolism: Over the centuries the iris has come to symbolize faith, wisdom, hope, and promise in love.
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What Kind of Princess are You? - Beautiful Artwork

The Noble PrincessYou are just and fair, a perfectionist with a strong sense of proper decorum. You are very attracted to chivalry, ceremony and dignity. For the most part you are rather sensible, but you are also very idealistic.Role Models: Guinevere, Princess Fiona (of Shrek)You are most likely to: Get kidnapped by a stray dragon.
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Things you do when you wake up way to friggin early:
1. redecorate blog (check)
2. remove any trace of your family's name from said blog because you're a paranoid weirdo (check)
3. clean the house (umm, yea, I'm working on that, really)

I'm so tired right now. I'm sitting at work, with an hour and 10 minutes to go trying not to fall asleep. I don't even know why I'm writing a blog except for the fact that possibly by forcing my fingers to move I may be able to keep myself awake. The drive home should be a blast.

I miss my kids. I had W. take them to the sitters when he went to work just so I could get enough sleep. I think it's the fact that 99% don't want to talk to a CSR at 10:53 at night. I think my husband has multiple personalities. He goes from being a sweet, loving, engaged human being to a complete friggin ass hole. I go from swearing that as soon as I'm done with my education and have a good job I'm leaving his ass and taking my kids with me to hey it would be a great idea to have a third kid (if I can even get pregnant again, and assuming I can carry the child anywhere near 40 weeks)

I so need to organize my books. I have less than a month till school starts, so I'd like to read some more fun stuff before I'm back in my $4,000/semester prison. I got my parking pass today, so at least that is taken care of. Well I think I am going to take my fried brain and go have a cigarette. yea.

This day has been slowly going to crap. It started off this morning with A. shoving a pebble up his nose. Yes. Up. His. Nose. I tried prying it out with my fingernail, but he shoved my hand out of the way and shoved his finger (which fits much better than mine) up his nose. The pebble got shoved so far up that I couldn't get it out at all. yay.

Later I get to work and my mother e-mails me that she is going to be a grandma again. More yay. My brothers marriage has been rocky to say the least, and my would have been due date is in 6 days. I read the e-mail and promptly burst into tears. I know I'm being stupid, and oversensitive, but that just pushed me over the edge. So now I'm a teary weepy mess and all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry. I can't wait for this day to be over with.

well color me fing freaked out.

I put a tracker on this blog a while ago, mainly just to soothe my curiosity. I was looking at it the other day, and someone googled and found my blog by typing in my entire name (maiden name). Now most likely it was someone who knows me. I don't know because they didn't leave a comment. So as a precaution, I have temporarily removed my archives, and will be combing through my blog to remove names and such. For some odd reason, I don't care if my 'stitching buddies' know everything about me, but someone from my past trolling the internet for information about me (especially when they don't have the balls to leave a comment or e-mail) freaks the ever loving poop out of me. Please bear with me through this poop.

*yawn*

I'm *so* tired. Bone aching exhaustion, but in a good way. After I accepted my new job, I turned in my two weeks notice. My second week would have been last week. Because my former employers are cheap freaking bast.... oops I mean, intensely focused on the most cost effective mutually beneficial solution, they decided to make it one week. (Truth being they didn't want to give me any holiday time for the 4th. They did the same thing to another women who quit) Because I had already said I would start my new job on the 10th, I got a week of vacation =)

We took the boys to the Cleveland Zoo. It was a lot of fun. Now I had heard that Cleveland was a pretty cruddy, run down place (Zoo included), but I was very pleasantly surprised. Very clean, lots of animals, 'trams' to the outlying areas, lots of picnic areas. It was a really fun day.

As soon as I found out I got the job, I reregistered for the fall. For day classes!!!!! So now I've
got French 1, Intro to Sociology, Music as a world phenomenon, and Basic Learning Processes. I'll still be finishing off all electives (except language) and I got an upper level psych class. Yay!!!! Although could someone please explain why I am now paying double the cost of an evening and weekend parking pass, yet I am not allowed to park anywhere near my classes? What kind of B.S. is that?!?! Do they not realize I am old??? And fat???? I am almost nearly a third of a century old and that is far too old to be hauling my tubby butt around campus, thank you very much. Let the young, nubile children frolick to class. If I'm paying $110 for the privelage of parking, I think that privelage should include parking near the classes I will be taking. /rediculous rant off.

So although I will be taking the night shift, I have to come in during the day for training. Hence the exhaustion. I am by nature a night person, so on the week off I got used to staying up till 1 am, and sleeping in. I am now up at 6 am to drive the hour to work. The work seems fun, and challenging. And a bit overwhelming. It's in an industry I've never worked with before, but doing what I've been doing since high school. From what my trainer said, I'm doing very well so far. I'll be on the phones the next couple of days, which supposedly doesn't happen normally until the 2nd week or so. I hope it works out, the people seem nice and the atmosphere is so much more relaxed than the pit of evil was. So now I just have to get used to getting up early again (in time to switch to my evening shift =) ) So I think that's it. Once I've been there a couple of months, and my brain unfreezes I should be ok =)

EEP

I GOT IT!!!! I GOT IT, I GOT IT, I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More later when there isn't an 18 month old on my lap.

Exhaustion

I am so tired! I think it's stress. Between W's getting laid off, B's birthday and my job I have been so stressed. I had an interview last Tuesday. It's a customer service position, for a night shift, at my stepdad's place of employment. I really, really, really want this job. It has amazing benefits, the atmosphere seemed so much friendlier than where I currently am and of course it's more money. While the night shift seems like a bad thing initially, it really isn't when you consider I could take day classes. As each day passes I get more and more disappointed and fatalistic. I didn't get it, so I tell myself so if I don't get it I won't be as disappointed. Yea right. (although, my stepdad works there! I mean how big a loser am I if I can't get in when I have a relative working there! Wait, don't answer that.)

As a night only student, I get gypped. In all of the classes I have taken for my major I have had one professor. Now don't get me wrong, some of the grad students I have had have been great. Unfortunately, a recommendation from a grad student on a grad school application isn't worth squat. By not having access to the professors, I am handicapped for getting into grad school. Another reason is that in my future profession (hopefully) research rules. If two students have equal grades and GRE scores, the one with the most research experience wins. In my experience, research is conducted 9-5. Even beyond these concerns is the variety of classes offered in night vs. day classes. Day wins every time. That was my deciding factor.

I have been seriously considering focusing my efforts on law school rather than my PHD. I can still make shitloads of money, and I don't need an internship. In order to be licensed by the APA I would need to have a supervised year long internship. As far as I've been able to tell, they are sparse in my area. If I don't get into one, I basically have to sit on my thumb for a year until they are picking up more interns. My only other options is to look into hospitals outside of our area and face the possibility of living apart from my husband and children for a year. I just can't do that. With law, there is a very good school about 5 minutes from where I live. They offer a program that can be done entirely at night, and in only 4 years. (or if I get this job, I can do it in three years during the day) The only problem is that I'm not passionate about the law. I am about Psychology. I find the subject facinating, engaging in a way I've never been engaged. But I guess at this point in my life financial security for my family is more important than a job I love. After all, I hate my job now. I'll be paid way better to hate my job as a lawyer. As for the long hours? Well during the school year I'm gone from 6:30 am to about 9:30-10:00 pm every night. Not much of a change, and again way more money. I know that no one ever said life was easy, I just wish it wasn't quite so damn hard.

Better

I'm better, I think. W's filed for unemployment, and is actually eligible! So we should be fine for a while. I went on an interview last week. It's more money, and a night shift! This is a good thing because I could take day classes. Many, many more classes are offered during the day. I haven't heard anything yet, and I'm trying to keep positive. It's not really working =)

It has been so hot here. 80's to 90's with high humidity. Ugh. W has a high thermostat, so he hasn't been sleeping and is a very cranky man. The kind of cranky that makes me long for my single days lol.

B will be 5 years old on Wednesday. I can't believe my baby will be five! We actually had to take him into the emergency room yesterday. We took W out for a father's day dinner, and W had taken B into the bathroom. B was leaving and the door slammed on his finger. He turned so pale and looked like he was going to pass out. We took him to the closest hospital and luckily it was only a contusion! Poor little guy. Well not so little guy. He's been trying to convince me that he *needs* a bowflex because he wants muscles. My 5 year old wants a bowflex. Yipee.

again

Here we go again. W lost his job. I'm beginning to give up hope. It seems like no matter what happens, as soon as we get caught up and get our feet under us, this happens. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Other people seem to hold on to jobs no problem. Why is it so hard for my husband? He's hard working, smart, a little wierd but that's not a crime!! Damn I just want to curl into a ball and call it quits. I'm tired of fighting, pushing, and scrapping and getting no where. I'm tired of being knocked down over and over again. I'm tired of monitoring every penny, wondering how we will pay rent, robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm just so tired.

on an aside, due to the recent problems with blogger I'm seriously considering moving my blog. So heads up :) As I'm pretty sure my only reader is the faithful Belinda, I will be sure and let you know when, and where the new space is. I will also have a new website up and running hopefully soon, as we just bought the domain name, and provider service right before the layoff (figures).

Break

I've been trying to teach myself HTML on my break. I had this 'great' idea that I was going to learn it, make this awesome webpage, update photos regularly, incorporate my blog, etc... All in my spare time. Yea. Oh well it was a good idea. I'm beginning to get frustrated. I have so many things I want to do, and so very little time to do it. I want to stitch beautiful (huge) pieces that I can showcase in my home. I want to read every book that is even remotely interesting. I want to graduate as near to the top as I can. I want to knit beautiful afghans. I want to garden. I want to design and maintain a warm, welcoming home. I want to be a succesful, respected professional. I want to be a wonderful mother and wife.

The problem with all of these wants is while they aren't all mutally exclusive, they do require time and energy. For instance, the more I concentrate on school, the less stitching and fun reading I can do. The more I concentrate on the house, the less time I have for everything else. For better or worse, there is only 24 hours in a day. I guess the best solution would be to get rid of some interests and focus on one until I actually accomplish something (anything!)

The problem with that is I become bored too easily. For instance, I started Villa Mirabilia after my miscarriage in January. I stopped a couple of months ago because I got into reading again and haven't touched in since. As for the house thing, I'm a horrible housekeeper. I've tried Flylady, and it didn't work. Well it might have worked if I hadn't gotten so worked up in the process and planning that I didn't get around to actually doing. Oh well maybe one day I will discover it's possible to survive on no sleep and will finally be able to put a dent in my dreams.

And then there was 1

I'm tired. I should be in bed. Instead I'm sitting here searching through infertility and miscarriage blogs. I've tried to ignore my miscarriage, but it hasn't worked. It's like a broken tooth, with an exposed nerve. Most of the time it is just a raw ache that I keep worrying over almost to make sure it's still there. Every now and then, when the wind hits it wrong it is a sharp pain, almost debilitating in it's strenght and viciousness. A part of me wonders if everyone was right. Did this happen for a purpose? Should I be happy with the two beautiful, bright children I do have? The overly logical part of me points out that this is not the most convenient time for me to be getting pregnant. I'm in the middle of getting my bachelors, I want to spend the money we have on the kids we have, I want to switch jobs. And then another part of me is still focused on my would have been pregnancy. I don't know what week I would have been. After the miscarriage, I destroyed any reminders of the pregnancy. I deleted the weekly countdown from my outlook. I bought a new planner to get rid of the written reminders. Hell, I even deleted an entire blog to try and forget about what had happened. By now I would have been more than half way. I would have known if my child was a boy or a girl. I would be sweating like a stuck pig typing mutinous mutterings about the horrors of pregnancy. Instead, I'm sitting alone at my computer while my family is sleeping around me. Worrying that constant dull ache.

It was momma's birthday today. She seemed to really enjoy the boys tonight. She loves the fact that Alex is a mini her :) I love it too. As morbid as it seems, no matter what happens to my momma, I can look at my son and see her.

Boss is coming back Monday. I'm dreading it. I hope this new opportunity works out. I need to find a less toxic environment.

I ordered Inkspell yesterday. The preview at the end of Inkheart was pretty gripping. Hopefully I will get back in the cross stitching swing of things soon. Before you know it I'll be back in school and I won't have time to touch anything interesting. I got my first taste of a 4.0 and I don't want to let it go. Well I better get some sleep, as the monkeys rise early in this jungle.

Whew!

It has finally cooled down a bit. We have had stifling, high, humid temperatures. The kind of weather that makes it hard to breath. It's thick. You would think that I was bred in the humid armpit of the Midwest I would be used to this weather. I'm not. I looked at W yesterday and said that if anything happens to this job, and I'm not in central air by the time this summer is done I will kill him. Yes I am the picture of the sympathetic loving wife.

The vacation was wonderful. We had the cutest little one room cabin, right across from a playground. It was so nice to tell the boys to go play, and not have to worry about them being hit by a car, sold drugs, or initiated into the latest toddler gang. B was thrilled, he caught his first fish. W was thrilled to have some daddy/son time. I was thrilled to lay around and do nothing. A, well I think A was thrilled, but seeing as how his vocabulary consists of mama, dada, bubba, yay (with hand clapping of course) and pup pup it's kind of hard to tell. (Actually he is amazingly verbal. He'll say please and thank you when under severe duress, bye bye and several other words. He has a better vocabulary than his brother did at his age, as well as children in both his actual age group and his adjusted age group. So anyone who wants to snipe at my preemie's 'cognitive deficits' kiss his tiny white bottom. So there.) It was a little too cold to go swimming in the lake, but that didn't stop A from plopping himself in the shallows and splashing determinedly until his little lips were almost blue. It took me physically picking him up, and plopping him in his carseat to keep him from running back. I can't wait to go back again.

Work without the boss has been bliss. I have a possible opportunity to switch to a better paying, more rewarding company. The only downside is that they want three professional references. This is a problem, because the job I am currently at is the first job I have worked in about three to four years. I don't want to use anyone from my current place of employment, because I'd rather they didn't fire my ass for looking for another position. I have a friend who used to work there who once offered to provide a reference, but we have been out of touch for a while. I've sent her an e-mail, so we will see. I also have a lead on someone else, not in my department who might be willing to give me one, but I'm kind of reluctant to approach him out of the blue. The only other possibility is someone I worked for in 2000. (Much of the work in between was temp jobs, interrupted by pregnancy, bed rest, etc.) The last reference he gave was glowing, but I'm kind of reluctant to tap him seeing as how I was a low level office worker, and it's been 6 freaking years!!! I'll figure something out :)

My four year old just stomped in and informed me that he is not happy because the thunderstorm has distorted his satellite signal, so I must run and appease him with a story. I on the other hand am thrilled, because the storm means some decent sleeping weather for the first time in three days!

In which all my well laid plans go to poop...

I was going to be organized. Honest I was. I had lists, beautiful lists. I forgot the lists at work. I was going to have a spotless house to return to after our mini vacation. My house is anything but spotless. All of the clothes we will be wearing are now either in a laundry basket waiting to be washed or in the washer currently. My name is Bee, and I'm a procrastinator.

I actually bought a book called Procrastination For Dummies. I've never finished it. For some reason my mother finds this highly amusing. I'm afraid I may have done something that will peeve my mom. My mom is the queen of e-mail forwards. If she gets a forward, no matter how insipid, inane, stupid, she will forward it on. Most of the time they are cute little jokes. Well Thursday she send me a forward about the Iraqi conflict. Something about how it's not as bad as the 'liberal media' has made it out to be. It stated that during the course of the 'official' war, there were only 35 deaths. I couldn't help myself. I sat down last night and found three different websites, with some very different statistics. I sent them back to her and explained that while I support the troops, I don't support killing them for someone else's political agenda. Hindsight is telling me that I should have applied the old adage of not discussing religion and politics. I should have deleted the e-mail and just forgotten about it. The thing is, she was off work today so she won't see it until Tuesday. She may just brush it off and ignore it, like she does most of my opinions. Ah well I guess it's too late to worry about it now.

I finished Inkheart. It was good, though surprisingly dark for a children's book. I had a hard time losing myself in the story, but that might be due to some of the language idiosyncrasies. Maybe some of the translations aren't as flowing as in the native German. It had a preview of the next in the series, Inkspell, and I am really looking forward to getting that. In the meantime I've started the second book in the Bartimaus trilogy. I'm only 5 or 6 chapters in, and it seems better than the first one so far. Although Nathaniel still seems to be lacking in any sympathetic qualities. I kinda want him to be squished like the little pompous bug he's been acting like. I'm going to take my Villa Mirabilia with me this weekend, maybe I'll be able to get some good time in on it.

And to end on a happy note: my boss is on vacation all next week. Yay!! It's been a while since either one of us has been on vacation, and it will be nice to have a break. Ever since she looked at me and asked, "Are you pregnant again?" I've been looking forward to some time without pointed references to my reproductive system.

This is the first day...

of the rest of your life. Ahem. Well anyway. I had my meeting with the grad student. It wasn't at all what I expected. I'm quickly learning that the world of academia is nothing more than a long series of networking. From this meeting, the grad student will e-mail the lab group asking if they would like to make use of a slave (err... umm... assistant, yea that's it) for a while. From there I will be put to work doing large amounts of data entry and journal research. Good news is that this can be done at any time, so it will fit into my very bizarre schedule. Bad news is that it is extremely boring. I assured her that I can handle boring. I do boring for a living. Oh geez, I meant I do data entry for a living. Technically I am order entry/customer service. They throw the /customer service in so I feel like part of the team without actually costing them the money of a customer service specialist. It isn't working.

I'm pretty excited. We are going on our first actual 'vacation' this weekend. Well sort of a mini vacation. We rented a cabin in some state park for a couple of days this weekend. While the part of me that is my father's daughter scoffs at staying in a cabin (That's not real camping!), the other, older, achier part of me is glad of my husband's foresight in getting up something with a bed. The park has a lake, so my one concession to physical fitness can be enjoyed if the weather allows :) It should be really nice, the great and glorious weather people are predicting temps around 80, and we all know they are *never* wrong.

I'm reading a book called Inkheart, it is really good so far! For some reason I have been on a children's book kick. Anne of Green Gables, Inkheart, Harry Potter, Little House On The prairie. They are all like dear old friends, that I only get to see every once in a while. Trapped in their pages are the tatters of my innocence. Times when life was safe, and held all the possibilities I could dream up. Even the books that weren't around when I was a child seem to sweep me back to being curled up on my twin bed in my parent's house. Sometimes I think I smell the lilacs from the bush that was outside my bedroom window. Enough waxing poetic. Off to begin the first of many lists of what to pack for two days away from home with the two monkeys that masquerade as my children.

adrift

Church was a disappointment today. I'm beginning to think it is impossible to find a place to worship that is hippocrite free. Not even hippocrite free... I'm not sure of how to say it. I don't want to go into painful detail and background information. We stopped going years ago because of the political B.S. that was all over. We went back because we both agreed it was important for the kids to have a religous education. A background they could use to make their own decisions from. Now I just want to leave again. I don't feel uplifted, or inspired. Oh well.

I've registered for my classes next semester. I'll be taking French, Law and Society, Interpersonal Family Relations, and Music As A World Phenomenon. No Psych classes, but after this semester I will be done with all of my required electives! Well except for language. I have at least 3 more semesters of that. Yipee.

The last time I met with my advisor he suggested I bulk up on stats and biology. (Possibly because he is a biologic research psychologist who minored in bio himself...) He said that in a field where GPA and GRE are equal, stats and science wins. I hate math. I nearly set my calculator on fire in celebration when I finished my required elective. I thought I could honestly say I am done with math for life. Looks like that plan is shot to hell :)

I really, really don't understand the uproar over the Davinci Code. It's a book. A work of fiction. Pretend, imaginary, not real. I don't know how to put it more plainly. It is a good story. I read Harry Potter, and I'm not walking around debating whether there is or isn't a school of magic hidden in the English countryside. I read a book called the Barbed Coil, but I'm not waiting around for a magic ring to transport me to an alternate universe. Novels are meant for entertainment. I'd like to see what the people who are taking these books literally, word for word, make of abstract art. But I guess I shouldn't be so flippant. I've had people tell me fantasy books are evil. Humph.

And here we are again.

I am finally done with my newest semester. Although I can scarcely believe it, I pulled a 4.0. I'm really, really proud of myself.

W. got a great promotion, so we went on a rediculous spending spree this weekend. I got new jeans, an awesome sweater on clearance, we got a new radio for the car, W. got a new hat, we got a graduation present for my friend C, and I got three books: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks, Mrs. Frisby and The Rats of Nimh (35th anniversary addition and another one I can't remember the title of at the moment. B2 also got a bug book, which I have memorized from reading so often.

I have an appointment next week with my advisor and a graduate student to try and set up some lab time this summer. I would be participating in a study that looks at PTSD and children. They are working in conjunction with our local children's hospital. It is an excellent hospital, they took care of Alex for a while after he was born. I'm really looking forward to it. I would love to learn more about this, especaily because I'm looking to make this my specialty. Ideally, I want to work with veteran's. Perhaps I can focus my thesis on formulating a more universal treatment for PTSD. I was told that the government is expecting around 2/3rds of the soldiers currently overseas to return home with PTSD to some degree.

We are still trying to get pregnant again. It has only been two cycles since my miscarriage, yet I'm still horribly disappointed. It doesn't help that I read in my Biopsych book that it has been clinically proven that raised cortisol levels can have an affect on fertility. And I always thought the whole "relax and it will happen" axiom was a pile of horse manure. I am not good at relaxing.

In addition to trying to catch up on my fun reading and stitching I've decided to try and teach myself HTML. It will be interesting to see how long I can keep that up. In the meantime, I think I'm going to borrow a blog template to jazz this up. Maybe sometime soon I can design my own. With three months off school, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I still hate my job. I keep hoping I'll win the lottery and become a woman of leisure, but so far it isn't looking so hot.