Break

I've been trying to teach myself HTML on my break. I had this 'great' idea that I was going to learn it, make this awesome webpage, update photos regularly, incorporate my blog, etc... All in my spare time. Yea. Oh well it was a good idea. I'm beginning to get frustrated. I have so many things I want to do, and so very little time to do it. I want to stitch beautiful (huge) pieces that I can showcase in my home. I want to read every book that is even remotely interesting. I want to graduate as near to the top as I can. I want to knit beautiful afghans. I want to garden. I want to design and maintain a warm, welcoming home. I want to be a succesful, respected professional. I want to be a wonderful mother and wife.

The problem with all of these wants is while they aren't all mutally exclusive, they do require time and energy. For instance, the more I concentrate on school, the less stitching and fun reading I can do. The more I concentrate on the house, the less time I have for everything else. For better or worse, there is only 24 hours in a day. I guess the best solution would be to get rid of some interests and focus on one until I actually accomplish something (anything!)

The problem with that is I become bored too easily. For instance, I started Villa Mirabilia after my miscarriage in January. I stopped a couple of months ago because I got into reading again and haven't touched in since. As for the house thing, I'm a horrible housekeeper. I've tried Flylady, and it didn't work. Well it might have worked if I hadn't gotten so worked up in the process and planning that I didn't get around to actually doing. Oh well maybe one day I will discover it's possible to survive on no sleep and will finally be able to put a dent in my dreams.

And then there was 1

I'm tired. I should be in bed. Instead I'm sitting here searching through infertility and miscarriage blogs. I've tried to ignore my miscarriage, but it hasn't worked. It's like a broken tooth, with an exposed nerve. Most of the time it is just a raw ache that I keep worrying over almost to make sure it's still there. Every now and then, when the wind hits it wrong it is a sharp pain, almost debilitating in it's strenght and viciousness. A part of me wonders if everyone was right. Did this happen for a purpose? Should I be happy with the two beautiful, bright children I do have? The overly logical part of me points out that this is not the most convenient time for me to be getting pregnant. I'm in the middle of getting my bachelors, I want to spend the money we have on the kids we have, I want to switch jobs. And then another part of me is still focused on my would have been pregnancy. I don't know what week I would have been. After the miscarriage, I destroyed any reminders of the pregnancy. I deleted the weekly countdown from my outlook. I bought a new planner to get rid of the written reminders. Hell, I even deleted an entire blog to try and forget about what had happened. By now I would have been more than half way. I would have known if my child was a boy or a girl. I would be sweating like a stuck pig typing mutinous mutterings about the horrors of pregnancy. Instead, I'm sitting alone at my computer while my family is sleeping around me. Worrying that constant dull ache.

It was momma's birthday today. She seemed to really enjoy the boys tonight. She loves the fact that Alex is a mini her :) I love it too. As morbid as it seems, no matter what happens to my momma, I can look at my son and see her.

Boss is coming back Monday. I'm dreading it. I hope this new opportunity works out. I need to find a less toxic environment.

I ordered Inkspell yesterday. The preview at the end of Inkheart was pretty gripping. Hopefully I will get back in the cross stitching swing of things soon. Before you know it I'll be back in school and I won't have time to touch anything interesting. I got my first taste of a 4.0 and I don't want to let it go. Well I better get some sleep, as the monkeys rise early in this jungle.

Whew!

It has finally cooled down a bit. We have had stifling, high, humid temperatures. The kind of weather that makes it hard to breath. It's thick. You would think that I was bred in the humid armpit of the Midwest I would be used to this weather. I'm not. I looked at W yesterday and said that if anything happens to this job, and I'm not in central air by the time this summer is done I will kill him. Yes I am the picture of the sympathetic loving wife.

The vacation was wonderful. We had the cutest little one room cabin, right across from a playground. It was so nice to tell the boys to go play, and not have to worry about them being hit by a car, sold drugs, or initiated into the latest toddler gang. B was thrilled, he caught his first fish. W was thrilled to have some daddy/son time. I was thrilled to lay around and do nothing. A, well I think A was thrilled, but seeing as how his vocabulary consists of mama, dada, bubba, yay (with hand clapping of course) and pup pup it's kind of hard to tell. (Actually he is amazingly verbal. He'll say please and thank you when under severe duress, bye bye and several other words. He has a better vocabulary than his brother did at his age, as well as children in both his actual age group and his adjusted age group. So anyone who wants to snipe at my preemie's 'cognitive deficits' kiss his tiny white bottom. So there.) It was a little too cold to go swimming in the lake, but that didn't stop A from plopping himself in the shallows and splashing determinedly until his little lips were almost blue. It took me physically picking him up, and plopping him in his carseat to keep him from running back. I can't wait to go back again.

Work without the boss has been bliss. I have a possible opportunity to switch to a better paying, more rewarding company. The only downside is that they want three professional references. This is a problem, because the job I am currently at is the first job I have worked in about three to four years. I don't want to use anyone from my current place of employment, because I'd rather they didn't fire my ass for looking for another position. I have a friend who used to work there who once offered to provide a reference, but we have been out of touch for a while. I've sent her an e-mail, so we will see. I also have a lead on someone else, not in my department who might be willing to give me one, but I'm kind of reluctant to approach him out of the blue. The only other possibility is someone I worked for in 2000. (Much of the work in between was temp jobs, interrupted by pregnancy, bed rest, etc.) The last reference he gave was glowing, but I'm kind of reluctant to tap him seeing as how I was a low level office worker, and it's been 6 freaking years!!! I'll figure something out :)

My four year old just stomped in and informed me that he is not happy because the thunderstorm has distorted his satellite signal, so I must run and appease him with a story. I on the other hand am thrilled, because the storm means some decent sleeping weather for the first time in three days!