And then there was 1

I'm tired. I should be in bed. Instead I'm sitting here searching through infertility and miscarriage blogs. I've tried to ignore my miscarriage, but it hasn't worked. It's like a broken tooth, with an exposed nerve. Most of the time it is just a raw ache that I keep worrying over almost to make sure it's still there. Every now and then, when the wind hits it wrong it is a sharp pain, almost debilitating in it's strenght and viciousness. A part of me wonders if everyone was right. Did this happen for a purpose? Should I be happy with the two beautiful, bright children I do have? The overly logical part of me points out that this is not the most convenient time for me to be getting pregnant. I'm in the middle of getting my bachelors, I want to spend the money we have on the kids we have, I want to switch jobs. And then another part of me is still focused on my would have been pregnancy. I don't know what week I would have been. After the miscarriage, I destroyed any reminders of the pregnancy. I deleted the weekly countdown from my outlook. I bought a new planner to get rid of the written reminders. Hell, I even deleted an entire blog to try and forget about what had happened. By now I would have been more than half way. I would have known if my child was a boy or a girl. I would be sweating like a stuck pig typing mutinous mutterings about the horrors of pregnancy. Instead, I'm sitting alone at my computer while my family is sleeping around me. Worrying that constant dull ache.

It was momma's birthday today. She seemed to really enjoy the boys tonight. She loves the fact that Alex is a mini her :) I love it too. As morbid as it seems, no matter what happens to my momma, I can look at my son and see her.

Boss is coming back Monday. I'm dreading it. I hope this new opportunity works out. I need to find a less toxic environment.

I ordered Inkspell yesterday. The preview at the end of Inkheart was pretty gripping. Hopefully I will get back in the cross stitching swing of things soon. Before you know it I'll be back in school and I won't have time to touch anything interesting. I got my first taste of a 4.0 and I don't want to let it go. Well I better get some sleep, as the monkeys rise early in this jungle.