The end of an era...

sorta, kinda, not really.  I have one more week left of school, and then I'm off for a semester.  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself until October!  I was just hit with the stunning realization that I'm going to *miss* school.  Me.  Miss school.  I'm the girl that hated, loathed and detested school until college.  Granted I think a lot of it had to do with the social situations in high school, and the rigidity of the curriculum.  Still.  I'm going to miss school?  This just hit me, I really enjoy school.  As much as I love staying at home with my son, at three he's not the most intellectually stimulating person I've ever met.  Discussions about Mickey Mouse or trying to convince him (as he is my son, and about as stubborn as his mother) that cleaning is a good idea don't really ring my bell.  Even the classes I dread, or don't really enjoy (math anyone?) are somehow a welcome break.  I think it's because it's the one thing in my life just now that is just about me.  As selfish as it sounds, at school I am Bonnie.  I'm not a mom, a wife, or any of the other roles I hold, I'm just me.  And it's a relief.  So as of next week I get my 'summer vacation' for approximately 7-10ish weeks, and then we welcome our new son :)  I'm very excited about that.  I never thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but I can't imagine my life without my one son now.  I miss the sweet baby stage!  As much as I love the fact that my 3 year old is more independent now, I miss the sweet baby smell and cuddles and closeness of a baby.  B.  was never a 'difficult' baby, so maybe that's why I miss it so much.  He didn't really cry, or fuss.  He just wanted to be held all the time, and since he was my first I had plenty of time to do it :)  I shouldn't really complain, as my 'baby' is still only three.  As much as I rejoice in his growing up and learning new things, a part of me is panicking and thinking it is going by way too fast!  The irrational part of me is screaming that it has *not* been three years since my boy was born!  Alas, my baby is now into planes, trains and automobiles and is running from about 7 A.M till 8 or 9 at night.  He'll be joining mommy in school in just 2 years!!  (He already wants to :)  Doesn't understand why mommy gets to and he doesn't.  I guess I'm waxing reminiscent because I'm pretty sure this will be our last baby.  I'd like to leave the option for one more in the future, but I'm not sure how feasible this might be.  I'm only in the first year for my BA, and then I'm planning on graduate work as well.  If I keep having babies, I might be 90 before I get a job :)  I also got my SSA statement in the mail the other day and it made me realize that right now I'm worth more dead than alive!  Granted that might be because I'm not working at all right now, but when you can die and double your families income that's pretty sad.   So as much as I enjoy school, and know that in the end it will improve the quality of life for my family, right now it feels like a selfish indulgence.  In good news, my stepdad submitted DH's resume at his work and they called him!  Said he would probably be calling back in a couple of weeks to set up an interview.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's really hard.  The CFO quit at DH's current job and pulled DH aside and told him that finding another job would be a *very* good idea.  Apparently DH's boss is facing imminent bankruptcy unless he manages to win a huge contract within the next six months.  While this may not have been an ethical move on the CFO's part, I appreciate the head's up, but am a little nervous here.  Hopefully this job will come through.  Oh well enough babbling for today.

Am I a Zombie? (Philosophy)

The immature (ok hormonal) part of me wants to stamp my feet repeatedly with my fingers in my ears muttering "I know you are but what am I?"  Alas, I doubt this is a sound philosophical argument.  First, in order to answer the question I would need to disconnected why that is my first impulse.  It's my belief that I get that immediate impulse first off because of the associations I have with the word zombie.  You say zombie, I think nasty flesh dripping, brain eating automaton with no soul, personality or capability of higher understanding.  Obviously this doesn't describe me as my flesh is intact (pretty distended at this point, but not falling off), I've held a brain, but never eaten one, definitely not an automaton, and no one can accuse me of not having a personality (maybe of not having a good one, but there is one there I promise.)  So I don't fit into the *Hollywood* stereotype of a zombie, but that's not the question at hand is it?  The other reason I want to immediately dismiss the idea is because I have an ingrained belief that I am somehow special.  There can be no other replica of me whatsoever.  In fact if you believe my mom, they broke the mold when they made me :D  (whether on accident or on purpose still remains to be seen :P)  Seriously though, whether it is the product of my upbringing, the Christian religion (all unique, made in God's image, special) or some internal vanity, I have a prejudice against the idea of anything being me yet not me.  Yet again, this isn't exactly the question.  When trying to take a clear unbiased look between Peirce's view and the Calvin and Hobbe's handout, as much as I would like to take the Calvin and Hobbe's handout view (sorry don't have the name off hand, will edit and add when I find the handout)  I think this guy is having the same problem's I am.  He has an internal prejudice and is looking at some way to get out of the Peircian line of reasoning.  From our discussion in class, I couldn't find a way to distinguish myself from the Zombie persona.  If the Zombie-me has the ability to love, hate, want, like, dislike or savor experiences in exactly the way I do, then I see no way to deny the existence of a Zombie self state.  All of my attempts to do so are influenced by ingrained prejudices against the word itself, or the belief (however erroneous)  that I am a unique, superior being by fact of my consciousness.  Yet when I go to define consciousness, the synonym that pops in my head is awareness.  Is that not the first tenent of the Peircian philosophy?  So for now, I must agree with Peirce (however grudgingly that may be) until my 'superior consciousness' can figure out a way around it. 

School and such...

Some quick 'and such' stuff.... I looked at the calander and figured I am considered 'full term' on October 8th (or 10th) depending on the day you believe.  It's kind of scary how fast this is going.  A part of me is so excited to have another child and another part of me is screaming that I'm a raving lunatic and there's no way I can handle another child.  I keep trying to tell the second part it's a little late to be worrying about that but I'm not listening to me.  On the school side, I've made a semi-important decision.  As I'm on the path for a degree in Psychology, I realized this little pipe dream is completely dependant upon me getting into grad school at my current university.  You see, I'm not the bread winner of the family.  That and the fact that I do have a family and by the time I'm getting into grad school one, if not both of my sons will be in school.  It's not feasible for me to whisk the whole family to wherever I happen to get accepted.  So what I've come up with is to use my 'extra' credit hours to pick up Philosophy and criminal justice classes, and when it comes time to apply to grad school I'll apply to both the Psych programs and the Law school at the other University near me.  (the law school is actually closer to my house than my current university and is very highly rated.)  I hope by diversifying my interests (while still getting my Psych BA) I'll at least get into one of the programs.  Everyone I've discussed this with thinks I'll be an excellent lawyer (I'm not sure if I should be insulted by this...)  At this point, the only thing I care about is that I get a job that pays me buttloads of money.  (yes I just used buttloads in a sentence)  That may be the greedy capitalist side of me coming out, but tough noogies.  I've looked at the amount of student loans I've amassed in just one year of school (I could get a decent car with that!!)  and see how my family is struggling because of me doing this, and figure I might as well go for the 'big' payoff at the end.  Law or Doctor..... either one works.  There's another plus side to law school, it's only 3-4 additional years, compared to earning a masters and then a doctorate for psychology.  That and I'll still get a nifty title to add to my name =)