In which all my well laid plans go to poop...

I was going to be organized. Honest I was. I had lists, beautiful lists. I forgot the lists at work. I was going to have a spotless house to return to after our mini vacation. My house is anything but spotless. All of the clothes we will be wearing are now either in a laundry basket waiting to be washed or in the washer currently. My name is Bee, and I'm a procrastinator.

I actually bought a book called Procrastination For Dummies. I've never finished it. For some reason my mother finds this highly amusing. I'm afraid I may have done something that will peeve my mom. My mom is the queen of e-mail forwards. If she gets a forward, no matter how insipid, inane, stupid, she will forward it on. Most of the time they are cute little jokes. Well Thursday she send me a forward about the Iraqi conflict. Something about how it's not as bad as the 'liberal media' has made it out to be. It stated that during the course of the 'official' war, there were only 35 deaths. I couldn't help myself. I sat down last night and found three different websites, with some very different statistics. I sent them back to her and explained that while I support the troops, I don't support killing them for someone else's political agenda. Hindsight is telling me that I should have applied the old adage of not discussing religion and politics. I should have deleted the e-mail and just forgotten about it. The thing is, she was off work today so she won't see it until Tuesday. She may just brush it off and ignore it, like she does most of my opinions. Ah well I guess it's too late to worry about it now.

I finished Inkheart. It was good, though surprisingly dark for a children's book. I had a hard time losing myself in the story, but that might be due to some of the language idiosyncrasies. Maybe some of the translations aren't as flowing as in the native German. It had a preview of the next in the series, Inkspell, and I am really looking forward to getting that. In the meantime I've started the second book in the Bartimaus trilogy. I'm only 5 or 6 chapters in, and it seems better than the first one so far. Although Nathaniel still seems to be lacking in any sympathetic qualities. I kinda want him to be squished like the little pompous bug he's been acting like. I'm going to take my Villa Mirabilia with me this weekend, maybe I'll be able to get some good time in on it.

And to end on a happy note: my boss is on vacation all next week. Yay!! It's been a while since either one of us has been on vacation, and it will be nice to have a break. Ever since she looked at me and asked, "Are you pregnant again?" I've been looking forward to some time without pointed references to my reproductive system.

This is the first day...

of the rest of your life. Ahem. Well anyway. I had my meeting with the grad student. It wasn't at all what I expected. I'm quickly learning that the world of academia is nothing more than a long series of networking. From this meeting, the grad student will e-mail the lab group asking if they would like to make use of a slave (err... umm... assistant, yea that's it) for a while. From there I will be put to work doing large amounts of data entry and journal research. Good news is that this can be done at any time, so it will fit into my very bizarre schedule. Bad news is that it is extremely boring. I assured her that I can handle boring. I do boring for a living. Oh geez, I meant I do data entry for a living. Technically I am order entry/customer service. They throw the /customer service in so I feel like part of the team without actually costing them the money of a customer service specialist. It isn't working.

I'm pretty excited. We are going on our first actual 'vacation' this weekend. Well sort of a mini vacation. We rented a cabin in some state park for a couple of days this weekend. While the part of me that is my father's daughter scoffs at staying in a cabin (That's not real camping!), the other, older, achier part of me is glad of my husband's foresight in getting up something with a bed. The park has a lake, so my one concession to physical fitness can be enjoyed if the weather allows :) It should be really nice, the great and glorious weather people are predicting temps around 80, and we all know they are *never* wrong.

I'm reading a book called Inkheart, it is really good so far! For some reason I have been on a children's book kick. Anne of Green Gables, Inkheart, Harry Potter, Little House On The prairie. They are all like dear old friends, that I only get to see every once in a while. Trapped in their pages are the tatters of my innocence. Times when life was safe, and held all the possibilities I could dream up. Even the books that weren't around when I was a child seem to sweep me back to being curled up on my twin bed in my parent's house. Sometimes I think I smell the lilacs from the bush that was outside my bedroom window. Enough waxing poetic. Off to begin the first of many lists of what to pack for two days away from home with the two monkeys that masquerade as my children.

adrift

Church was a disappointment today. I'm beginning to think it is impossible to find a place to worship that is hippocrite free. Not even hippocrite free... I'm not sure of how to say it. I don't want to go into painful detail and background information. We stopped going years ago because of the political B.S. that was all over. We went back because we both agreed it was important for the kids to have a religous education. A background they could use to make their own decisions from. Now I just want to leave again. I don't feel uplifted, or inspired. Oh well.

I've registered for my classes next semester. I'll be taking French, Law and Society, Interpersonal Family Relations, and Music As A World Phenomenon. No Psych classes, but after this semester I will be done with all of my required electives! Well except for language. I have at least 3 more semesters of that. Yipee.

The last time I met with my advisor he suggested I bulk up on stats and biology. (Possibly because he is a biologic research psychologist who minored in bio himself...) He said that in a field where GPA and GRE are equal, stats and science wins. I hate math. I nearly set my calculator on fire in celebration when I finished my required elective. I thought I could honestly say I am done with math for life. Looks like that plan is shot to hell :)

I really, really don't understand the uproar over the Davinci Code. It's a book. A work of fiction. Pretend, imaginary, not real. I don't know how to put it more plainly. It is a good story. I read Harry Potter, and I'm not walking around debating whether there is or isn't a school of magic hidden in the English countryside. I read a book called the Barbed Coil, but I'm not waiting around for a magic ring to transport me to an alternate universe. Novels are meant for entertainment. I'd like to see what the people who are taking these books literally, word for word, make of abstract art. But I guess I shouldn't be so flippant. I've had people tell me fantasy books are evil. Humph.

And here we are again.

I am finally done with my newest semester. Although I can scarcely believe it, I pulled a 4.0. I'm really, really proud of myself.

W. got a great promotion, so we went on a rediculous spending spree this weekend. I got new jeans, an awesome sweater on clearance, we got a new radio for the car, W. got a new hat, we got a graduation present for my friend C, and I got three books: The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat by Oliver Sacks, Mrs. Frisby and The Rats of Nimh (35th anniversary addition and another one I can't remember the title of at the moment. B2 also got a bug book, which I have memorized from reading so often.

I have an appointment next week with my advisor and a graduate student to try and set up some lab time this summer. I would be participating in a study that looks at PTSD and children. They are working in conjunction with our local children's hospital. It is an excellent hospital, they took care of Alex for a while after he was born. I'm really looking forward to it. I would love to learn more about this, especaily because I'm looking to make this my specialty. Ideally, I want to work with veteran's. Perhaps I can focus my thesis on formulating a more universal treatment for PTSD. I was told that the government is expecting around 2/3rds of the soldiers currently overseas to return home with PTSD to some degree.

We are still trying to get pregnant again. It has only been two cycles since my miscarriage, yet I'm still horribly disappointed. It doesn't help that I read in my Biopsych book that it has been clinically proven that raised cortisol levels can have an affect on fertility. And I always thought the whole "relax and it will happen" axiom was a pile of horse manure. I am not good at relaxing.

In addition to trying to catch up on my fun reading and stitching I've decided to try and teach myself HTML. It will be interesting to see how long I can keep that up. In the meantime, I think I'm going to borrow a blog template to jazz this up. Maybe sometime soon I can design my own. With three months off school, I almost don't know what to do with myself. I still hate my job. I keep hoping I'll win the lottery and become a woman of leisure, but so far it isn't looking so hot.

News and such...

Sorry for the lack of entries, but life has caught up to me. First off, I can't surf at work. They monitor the internet usage, and seeing as how that's supporting me I'm not gonna jeopardize it. Combine that with school, etc and I am just one busy busy girl!! A. had his 6 month appt today, and according to their scales he's up to 15 lbs 9 oz. That puts him at the 25th percentile, not bad for a kid who started out at 3 lbs!

Big news is my baby brother is *finally* coming home!!! He's been stationed in Japan for about 3 years now, I haven't seen him since then. He's visiting dad and his inlaws, but will be here on Tuesday. I will be meeting his wife and son for the first time. I hate meeting new people, I'm always so awkward and end up either sounding snobby or stupid. I had a stutter as a kid, and the only time it registers now is if I get really really nervous (which is every time I'm around people I don't know) I want to like her, if only for the fact that I want my brothers and I to remain close. It seems kind of weird that I spent most of my life with one group of people and now that I'm 'grown up' (term used very loosely folks) I'm supposed to transfer my life to an entirely new set of people. It feels like I'm in a metaphorical ill fitting outfit. I'm trying to adjust to this new status quo, but it doesn't quite 'fit'. Maybe it's more like a new pair of shoes, it just needs to be broken in.

I was thinking earlier about my marriage. My husband and I have had it rough for pretty much our whole married life, job wise at least. Now that I'm working again, I'm seeing all these 'successful' men, and I've wondered what my life would be like if I was married to one of them. Then it hit me, part of the reason my husband and I are together, comfortable with each other is *because* of what we have gone through. No we don't have the passionate whirlwind life that I so naively imagined when I was younger. We do have a stable loving relationship. I have a husband who knows what kind of mood I'm in just by looking at me, we can have entire conversations without saying a word. The external pressures (money) have forced us to bond together, and I think have made us closer for it. We now appreciate what we have all the more, because we know what it's like to be without. Hopefully, this new job will be the first step in us getting more financially secure as that has really been the major 'problem area' of our marriage so far. I can only hope that our life will continue to grow together, and that one day we can look back at this early struggling and laugh. Maybe all the crud we've gone through so far has built us up one big whopping kharmic payoff. Hey I can dream can't I?

yay!

Well I'm now gainfully employed. I think it's pretty cool so far (only been a week). The best perk by far is the hours. I get out by 4:30 every night, and during the summer I get Fridays off. Purty darn spifferific if you ask me...Well off to homework I go.

Oh Well

Like the complete spaz I am, I bombed the test. I passed the financial portion, but they required a 90% on the English portion. I got 88%. I'm actually rather depressed so I think I'm going to slink off and have my very own I'm a Loser party.

PANIC!!!!

ARGHHH!!! I have an interview on Monday for a job that sounds great is close to home and has awesome benifits (one of which is Fridays off all summer, with pay. How kick ass is that?), and now the University I'm attending wants me to come in to do a civil service test tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. This would be so completely awesome because I would have fully paid tuition if I got it. I'm scared to death. I'm such a dweeb during interviews. I can never think of the correct thing to say, and end up coming off like I've been whacked in the head a couple of times. ARGHHH!!!! That and one of the tests is on budgeting. What??? Huh??? Please pray I don't make a complete ass of myself!!!!

Ok, Ok...

All right. I'm a bad Bee, I admit it. I promised to update y'all a month ago. Whip me with a wet noodle. Anyway a lot has gone on, mainly with jobs. It seems that Ohio is the land of the cursed with my family. We keep getting these "great" jobs, that keep disappearing. Money is very very scarce right now. Oh well. As I don't want a pity party, on to good news!

My boys are great! B2 is a tank of a 3 1/2 year old. We had him in to the Dr. last weekend (strep, my poor boy!) and he's 48 lbs, and around 50". He's huge! The kid is going to be taller than I am by the time he's 5 (and I'm 5'7"!!!) Other than the strep and a bad case of the 'kindergarden crud' as my husband calls it, he's as healthy as a horse. Emotionally things are a little rocky with him, only because he is so pushing his limits. I swear this kid will never take no for an answer. I suppose the trait could be useful in his adulthood, but there are some days I feel like ripping out chunks of hair and fleeing stark naked down the street. (How's that for a visual image!) A is doing awesome as well. Last month my little porker was up to 12 lbs! (Hey it's impressive when you remember he was 3 lbs. 13 oz.) I'll find out his current weight tonight at his monthly RSV vaccination (which is coincidently the only preemie related health issue we're dealing with.) I love to see the differences in my boys. B2 looks like me, dark hair dark eyes, but has his dad's personality (very outgoing, exuburent). A on the other hand looks like mom and my husband, very blonde, pale, bright blue eyes, yet he has my temperment. He's so introspective and he's only 5 months!! He will literally sit for hours holding my finger and studying it! B2 grins all the time, but when A grins, you feel like you've earned something. W (DH) has made a joke the B2 will be enlisted, while A is officer material. That's about it for now, I will try and get more pics of the boys up, but I'm making no promises as our digital camera has apparently grown legs (and we're on dial up. I *hate* dial up)

Well then...

It's been a while. I'd like to say thanks to Cat and Erin, who despite my extended absence both remembered me this Christmas. We had to turn the 'net off as DH got laid off. He's still looking for something, but we think we may have the net thing worked out now. (kinda, if I disappear again you'll know why) Will update in full later, but just suffice it to say, I am alive, kids are good, family is good and hoping for a much better year in 2005!

Timeout!

I think I need an internet timeout. In the past two days I've perused several internet shops and come up with a wishlist that I couldn't afford even if I won the lottery, e-mailed a complete stranger after reading her blog (and looking back I'm not sure I formed coherent sentences. There should be a rule about post partum rambling somewhere. No e-mails until brain is fully functional again.). Damn Franklin Covey's website for putting up the design your own planner website thing. I have a weakness for calanders/planners/office supplies. I now am drooling over a $75 planner. $75!!! So new resolutions will be 1. no internet stores. ever. and 2. confine my weird rambling thoughts to my own blog, so if others don't care to be baraged they don't need to be.

A update: He's doing well, eating like a little piggy. I'm guesstimating he's about 6 lbs now, as he's fitting in his brothers old preemie clothes. I had to buy real bottles yesterday, as he's now drinking (on average) about two of the NICU bottles per feeding. I'm letting him pretty much feed on demand, so he's up about twice during the night and about every 2-3 hours during the day. B2 is handling his new brother *so* well. I'm amazed at how caring and considerate he has been. I expected holy hell from him, especially because I remember what *I* did when my middle brother came home. Hubby is still in Orlando. I still don't like hubby right now. On the other hand he said he got me a present, so he may have (slightly) redeemed himself. Yes I'm being childish, no I don't particularly give a shit. Here's a weird little thing I noticed today. The numb area from my section almost goes up to my belly button. Didn't you always want to know that?

ARGH!

Hubby is away for a week. The snot is at a conference, in Orlando. Snot. We won't delve into the supreme unfairness of him being in sunny Florida for a week, while I'm in freezing Ohio with a rampaging three year old and a newborn. I'm just bitter cuz I couldn't go too :P Speaking of which, you would think I'd be sleeping right now with a newborn downstairs and the three year old sleeping (peacefully?... We let him watch some Halloween shows on Disney and now he's terrified of cows and pumpkins. I'd really like to know what he's thinking sometimes. I mean I get the pumpkins, but cows?) Unfortunately I don't sleep well without hubby in the house. I get paranoid at the noises, bumps and things in the night. Which is odd in and of itself considering hubby is a weinie (sp?). I love the guy but I'm the one who is the head bug killer and noise investigator in the family, but I still get jumpy when he's not here.

In other news, I figured out that I can go part time with the aid I've been awarded already. Good because I don't have to deal with the mind bending policies of the aid office, bad because I would be taking the two ugh classes (conflict management and evolution and society.....hey they fufill LER requirements :P ) and missing the two classes I really wanted (abnormal psych, and Intro to formal logic) I wanted the logic course because 1. it gets me out of my math requirement and 2. I really liked my last Philosophy class. On the other hand, if I can't take it this semester, I might be able to get it with the same teacher I had for my last Philosophy class. I'm going to see if I can get the additional aid (with a minimum of fuss) this week, and if not.... I'll just take the two Saturday classes and they can reward me with additional money after they see our glorious tax returns next year. (Can you say woo hoo? Gooooooooood.....)

Back in the saddle again

the school saddle that is. I'm supposed to register the day before my would have been due date. I went through yesterday and picked the classes I want. I picked out 4, my usual 'full time' schedule. A part of me is filled with a sense of dread and inadequacy.... Can I really do full time classes, and have as much family time as I want, with both a 5 month old and a three year old? Another part of me knows that if I don't jump in with both feet, I might never jump. So now the million dollar question is can I convince my financial aid office that without me working we aren't making the amount of money listed on our tax return? Sounds relatively simple, but you have never dealt with my financial aid department. I think the polite way to describe them would be that they are 'special.' So if I can't convince them of the obvious, the whole idea of school is out the window. Another part of me is wondering at the wisdom of modern medicine. A. had his doctors appt., and because of his prematurity he has qualified for the RSV shots. These shots are horrendously expensive (about 1K a shot, thank G_d for insurance) and given monthly throughout the season. The doc has also recommended isolation for A. throughout the winter. A part of me wonders if this is all necessary. A. had no breathing problems while in the NICU. In fact, the only problem he presented with (other than jaundice, which full term babies are susceptible to as well) was mastering the suck/swallow/breath combo necessary for eating. I was talking to my mom, and we both agree that part of the reason that children get so sick now-a-days is the fact that most mothers tend to shrink wrap their kids from birth. Kids get sick, it's a fact of life. Then parents wonder why they get soooo sick when they start school. I will follow the doc's advice, because I don't want A. to end up back in the hospital. I just hope that my 'isolating' my son from the general populace doesn't turn around and bite him (and me) in the rear in the future.

No baby yesterday...

**Edited to add**
He's coming home!!!! After 19 days in the NICU, my baby is coming home!!! I get to go get him in t minus 8.5 hours!!! (hurry home hubby!)


No baby for me :( Spent the day crying and depressed, and now we're back in the rollercoaster again. (Kind of like back in the saddle....) The docs normally round at about 9 am, so I usually call for an update around 10ish. It's so odd. My son's been in the NICU for 2 weeks 5 days, and I've seen his doc twice. Seeing as how I'm a stay at home mom to my three year old, and it's not easy to run after a three year old with a fresh c-section (well 2 weeks 5 days old anyway....), we only go into the NICU at night when there are two parents to keep B. from turning on all the O2 vents :) So yet again we're hoping that at about 7pm our time we will be (finally!) bringing our baby boy home!

And back to our normally scheduled programming....

I'm better now :) After a much needed post partum panic attack I'm almost feeling normal. It probably has to do with the news that A. might come home today!!! He was moved to an open air crib yesterday, had his 'car-seat challenge' (he had to sit in his car seat for an hour to make sure he didn't stop breathing, he passed with flying colors), had his hep. B vaccination and has kept his temp up! He had a pretty horrible feed last night at 8, but he's allowed one bad feed a day. So as long as he fed well last night, and the doc is willing, he should come home today!!! I should know in an hour or so.....

You should be happy

I am so tired of being told how I should be feeling. "You should be happy your son just has to grow in order to come home...." "You should be happy that he has the best care..." "You should be happy you have the children you do have..." Fuck you. I am happy my son is as healthy as he is, I still want him home. I am happy he has good nurses and docs, I am still his mother and want to care for him. I am thrilled with my sons, but am still entitled to mourn the fact that I will most likely never have children again. I don't need to be told how to feel from anyone.

News

For those who don't know, my son A. was born on 9-9-04. For those doing the math that's 7 weeks early. He's doing well, weight is almost 4 lbs now, and supposedly just has to get the hang of eating and then he can come home. Will update more as time allows....

Away

I will be taking a break from computers and the internet for a while. I'll be checking e-mails for a while (or at least until grades are posted) if you need me you can reach me there.

THEY FOUND HIM!!!!

They found David!!! I'm so excited for Stacey and her family, according to the news article, he's dehydrated but doing ok!!!!

Update on David Tippen

The family has hired private scent dogs and they were able to find a scent! They followed a conclusive trial until the dogs got too tired to keep going. Hopefully this little boy will be home today!! Please, please keep Stacey and her whole family in your prayers. We need this little boy to come home.