News and such...

Sorry for the lack of entries, but life has caught up to me. First off, I can't surf at work. They monitor the internet usage, and seeing as how that's supporting me I'm not gonna jeopardize it. Combine that with school, etc and I am just one busy busy girl!! A. had his 6 month appt today, and according to their scales he's up to 15 lbs 9 oz. That puts him at the 25th percentile, not bad for a kid who started out at 3 lbs!

Big news is my baby brother is *finally* coming home!!! He's been stationed in Japan for about 3 years now, I haven't seen him since then. He's visiting dad and his inlaws, but will be here on Tuesday. I will be meeting his wife and son for the first time. I hate meeting new people, I'm always so awkward and end up either sounding snobby or stupid. I had a stutter as a kid, and the only time it registers now is if I get really really nervous (which is every time I'm around people I don't know) I want to like her, if only for the fact that I want my brothers and I to remain close. It seems kind of weird that I spent most of my life with one group of people and now that I'm 'grown up' (term used very loosely folks) I'm supposed to transfer my life to an entirely new set of people. It feels like I'm in a metaphorical ill fitting outfit. I'm trying to adjust to this new status quo, but it doesn't quite 'fit'. Maybe it's more like a new pair of shoes, it just needs to be broken in.

I was thinking earlier about my marriage. My husband and I have had it rough for pretty much our whole married life, job wise at least. Now that I'm working again, I'm seeing all these 'successful' men, and I've wondered what my life would be like if I was married to one of them. Then it hit me, part of the reason my husband and I are together, comfortable with each other is *because* of what we have gone through. No we don't have the passionate whirlwind life that I so naively imagined when I was younger. We do have a stable loving relationship. I have a husband who knows what kind of mood I'm in just by looking at me, we can have entire conversations without saying a word. The external pressures (money) have forced us to bond together, and I think have made us closer for it. We now appreciate what we have all the more, because we know what it's like to be without. Hopefully, this new job will be the first step in us getting more financially secure as that has really been the major 'problem area' of our marriage so far. I can only hope that our life will continue to grow together, and that one day we can look back at this early struggling and laugh. Maybe all the crud we've gone through so far has built us up one big whopping kharmic payoff. Hey I can dream can't I?

yay!

Well I'm now gainfully employed. I think it's pretty cool so far (only been a week). The best perk by far is the hours. I get out by 4:30 every night, and during the summer I get Fridays off. Purty darn spifferific if you ask me...Well off to homework I go.

Oh Well

Like the complete spaz I am, I bombed the test. I passed the financial portion, but they required a 90% on the English portion. I got 88%. I'm actually rather depressed so I think I'm going to slink off and have my very own I'm a Loser party.

PANIC!!!!

ARGHHH!!! I have an interview on Monday for a job that sounds great is close to home and has awesome benifits (one of which is Fridays off all summer, with pay. How kick ass is that?), and now the University I'm attending wants me to come in to do a civil service test tomorrow at 7:30 a.m. This would be so completely awesome because I would have fully paid tuition if I got it. I'm scared to death. I'm such a dweeb during interviews. I can never think of the correct thing to say, and end up coming off like I've been whacked in the head a couple of times. ARGHHH!!!! That and one of the tests is on budgeting. What??? Huh??? Please pray I don't make a complete ass of myself!!!!

Ok, Ok...

All right. I'm a bad Bee, I admit it. I promised to update y'all a month ago. Whip me with a wet noodle. Anyway a lot has gone on, mainly with jobs. It seems that Ohio is the land of the cursed with my family. We keep getting these "great" jobs, that keep disappearing. Money is very very scarce right now. Oh well. As I don't want a pity party, on to good news!

My boys are great! B2 is a tank of a 3 1/2 year old. We had him in to the Dr. last weekend (strep, my poor boy!) and he's 48 lbs, and around 50". He's huge! The kid is going to be taller than I am by the time he's 5 (and I'm 5'7"!!!) Other than the strep and a bad case of the 'kindergarden crud' as my husband calls it, he's as healthy as a horse. Emotionally things are a little rocky with him, only because he is so pushing his limits. I swear this kid will never take no for an answer. I suppose the trait could be useful in his adulthood, but there are some days I feel like ripping out chunks of hair and fleeing stark naked down the street. (How's that for a visual image!) A is doing awesome as well. Last month my little porker was up to 12 lbs! (Hey it's impressive when you remember he was 3 lbs. 13 oz.) I'll find out his current weight tonight at his monthly RSV vaccination (which is coincidently the only preemie related health issue we're dealing with.) I love to see the differences in my boys. B2 looks like me, dark hair dark eyes, but has his dad's personality (very outgoing, exuburent). A on the other hand looks like mom and my husband, very blonde, pale, bright blue eyes, yet he has my temperment. He's so introspective and he's only 5 months!! He will literally sit for hours holding my finger and studying it! B2 grins all the time, but when A grins, you feel like you've earned something. W (DH) has made a joke the B2 will be enlisted, while A is officer material. That's about it for now, I will try and get more pics of the boys up, but I'm making no promises as our digital camera has apparently grown legs (and we're on dial up. I *hate* dial up)

Well then...

It's been a while. I'd like to say thanks to Cat and Erin, who despite my extended absence both remembered me this Christmas. We had to turn the 'net off as DH got laid off. He's still looking for something, but we think we may have the net thing worked out now. (kinda, if I disappear again you'll know why) Will update in full later, but just suffice it to say, I am alive, kids are good, family is good and hoping for a much better year in 2005!

Timeout!

I think I need an internet timeout. In the past two days I've perused several internet shops and come up with a wishlist that I couldn't afford even if I won the lottery, e-mailed a complete stranger after reading her blog (and looking back I'm not sure I formed coherent sentences. There should be a rule about post partum rambling somewhere. No e-mails until brain is fully functional again.). Damn Franklin Covey's website for putting up the design your own planner website thing. I have a weakness for calanders/planners/office supplies. I now am drooling over a $75 planner. $75!!! So new resolutions will be 1. no internet stores. ever. and 2. confine my weird rambling thoughts to my own blog, so if others don't care to be baraged they don't need to be.

A update: He's doing well, eating like a little piggy. I'm guesstimating he's about 6 lbs now, as he's fitting in his brothers old preemie clothes. I had to buy real bottles yesterday, as he's now drinking (on average) about two of the NICU bottles per feeding. I'm letting him pretty much feed on demand, so he's up about twice during the night and about every 2-3 hours during the day. B2 is handling his new brother *so* well. I'm amazed at how caring and considerate he has been. I expected holy hell from him, especially because I remember what *I* did when my middle brother came home. Hubby is still in Orlando. I still don't like hubby right now. On the other hand he said he got me a present, so he may have (slightly) redeemed himself. Yes I'm being childish, no I don't particularly give a shit. Here's a weird little thing I noticed today. The numb area from my section almost goes up to my belly button. Didn't you always want to know that?

ARGH!

Hubby is away for a week. The snot is at a conference, in Orlando. Snot. We won't delve into the supreme unfairness of him being in sunny Florida for a week, while I'm in freezing Ohio with a rampaging three year old and a newborn. I'm just bitter cuz I couldn't go too :P Speaking of which, you would think I'd be sleeping right now with a newborn downstairs and the three year old sleeping (peacefully?... We let him watch some Halloween shows on Disney and now he's terrified of cows and pumpkins. I'd really like to know what he's thinking sometimes. I mean I get the pumpkins, but cows?) Unfortunately I don't sleep well without hubby in the house. I get paranoid at the noises, bumps and things in the night. Which is odd in and of itself considering hubby is a weinie (sp?). I love the guy but I'm the one who is the head bug killer and noise investigator in the family, but I still get jumpy when he's not here.

In other news, I figured out that I can go part time with the aid I've been awarded already. Good because I don't have to deal with the mind bending policies of the aid office, bad because I would be taking the two ugh classes (conflict management and evolution and society.....hey they fufill LER requirements :P ) and missing the two classes I really wanted (abnormal psych, and Intro to formal logic) I wanted the logic course because 1. it gets me out of my math requirement and 2. I really liked my last Philosophy class. On the other hand, if I can't take it this semester, I might be able to get it with the same teacher I had for my last Philosophy class. I'm going to see if I can get the additional aid (with a minimum of fuss) this week, and if not.... I'll just take the two Saturday classes and they can reward me with additional money after they see our glorious tax returns next year. (Can you say woo hoo? Gooooooooood.....)

Back in the saddle again

the school saddle that is. I'm supposed to register the day before my would have been due date. I went through yesterday and picked the classes I want. I picked out 4, my usual 'full time' schedule. A part of me is filled with a sense of dread and inadequacy.... Can I really do full time classes, and have as much family time as I want, with both a 5 month old and a three year old? Another part of me knows that if I don't jump in with both feet, I might never jump. So now the million dollar question is can I convince my financial aid office that without me working we aren't making the amount of money listed on our tax return? Sounds relatively simple, but you have never dealt with my financial aid department. I think the polite way to describe them would be that they are 'special.' So if I can't convince them of the obvious, the whole idea of school is out the window. Another part of me is wondering at the wisdom of modern medicine. A. had his doctors appt., and because of his prematurity he has qualified for the RSV shots. These shots are horrendously expensive (about 1K a shot, thank G_d for insurance) and given monthly throughout the season. The doc has also recommended isolation for A. throughout the winter. A part of me wonders if this is all necessary. A. had no breathing problems while in the NICU. In fact, the only problem he presented with (other than jaundice, which full term babies are susceptible to as well) was mastering the suck/swallow/breath combo necessary for eating. I was talking to my mom, and we both agree that part of the reason that children get so sick now-a-days is the fact that most mothers tend to shrink wrap their kids from birth. Kids get sick, it's a fact of life. Then parents wonder why they get soooo sick when they start school. I will follow the doc's advice, because I don't want A. to end up back in the hospital. I just hope that my 'isolating' my son from the general populace doesn't turn around and bite him (and me) in the rear in the future.

No baby yesterday...

**Edited to add**
He's coming home!!!! After 19 days in the NICU, my baby is coming home!!! I get to go get him in t minus 8.5 hours!!! (hurry home hubby!)


No baby for me :( Spent the day crying and depressed, and now we're back in the rollercoaster again. (Kind of like back in the saddle....) The docs normally round at about 9 am, so I usually call for an update around 10ish. It's so odd. My son's been in the NICU for 2 weeks 5 days, and I've seen his doc twice. Seeing as how I'm a stay at home mom to my three year old, and it's not easy to run after a three year old with a fresh c-section (well 2 weeks 5 days old anyway....), we only go into the NICU at night when there are two parents to keep B. from turning on all the O2 vents :) So yet again we're hoping that at about 7pm our time we will be (finally!) bringing our baby boy home!

And back to our normally scheduled programming....

I'm better now :) After a much needed post partum panic attack I'm almost feeling normal. It probably has to do with the news that A. might come home today!!! He was moved to an open air crib yesterday, had his 'car-seat challenge' (he had to sit in his car seat for an hour to make sure he didn't stop breathing, he passed with flying colors), had his hep. B vaccination and has kept his temp up! He had a pretty horrible feed last night at 8, but he's allowed one bad feed a day. So as long as he fed well last night, and the doc is willing, he should come home today!!! I should know in an hour or so.....

You should be happy

I am so tired of being told how I should be feeling. "You should be happy your son just has to grow in order to come home...." "You should be happy that he has the best care..." "You should be happy you have the children you do have..." Fuck you. I am happy my son is as healthy as he is, I still want him home. I am happy he has good nurses and docs, I am still his mother and want to care for him. I am thrilled with my sons, but am still entitled to mourn the fact that I will most likely never have children again. I don't need to be told how to feel from anyone.

News

For those who don't know, my son A. was born on 9-9-04. For those doing the math that's 7 weeks early. He's doing well, weight is almost 4 lbs now, and supposedly just has to get the hang of eating and then he can come home. Will update more as time allows....

Away

I will be taking a break from computers and the internet for a while. I'll be checking e-mails for a while (or at least until grades are posted) if you need me you can reach me there.

THEY FOUND HIM!!!!

They found David!!! I'm so excited for Stacey and her family, according to the news article, he's dehydrated but doing ok!!!!

Update on David Tippen

The family has hired private scent dogs and they were able to find a scent! They followed a conclusive trial until the dogs got too tired to keep going. Hopefully this little boy will be home today!! Please, please keep Stacey and her whole family in your prayers. We need this little boy to come home.

Prayers Needed

A dear woman from my stitching communty's son is missing. Please say a prayer for this little boy. Information can be found on her website here: http://www.perlemoon.blogspot.com/ I will update as soon as I find out something further.

Insomnia part duex....

Since I don't want to go to sleep on a bad note.....Here's some good stuff :) A. is flipping regularly, sometime it feels like I'm going to give birth to the next NFL star kicker here. B. *never* kicked this hard! Hit the third trimester on Friday, and immediately here comes the heartburn!! And what brings it raging in? Chocolate. Shoot me now :) It looks like I'm heading for my first 4.0 in my limited college career. Conclusion? Either stay pregnant for the next 4-5 years, or only take two classes a semester. As I abhore being pregnant (love the babies, hate the pregnancy), and I do want to graduate within the next millenia, I think I'll settle for my 3.5ish average.... Now off to bed with me.

Insomnia Musings

What's the worst thing that you have ever done? Alternatively, what's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? From Random Acts of Journaling - see Meme List.

What's the worst thing I've ever done? I think the worst thing would be not being completely honest with my friends. For example, when I was in Chicago, I would choose which person I would rather hang out with and ignore the other one. I know this doesn't sound completely horrible, but in a way it's like cheating on your spouse. Say you have a really good friend who has gone out of his/her way to help you, but wants to just hang out. On the other hand you have a flashy, fair weather friend who wants to do something exciting. So you dump the friend who has been with you through thick and thin, and go for flashy non-substenence. I could chalk it up to being young, but I'd rather chalk it up to being stupid and mean spirited. I hope I've grown from that point. (I also shoplifted when I was 10, and tried pot once, unlike Clinton I did inhale and wasn't impressed)

The worst thing that ever happened to me....I was molested as a child by my best friends father. Although that was terrible, I did the worst thing to myself, I didn't tell anyone. I finally told my mom when I was 16, and my dad doesn't know to this day. In some odd way I thought I was protecting my family, when looking back this creep could have gone on to hurt so many other little girls, all because I was frightened. Ok, this was supposed to be enlightening, yet has turned out to be terribly depressing. Off to mindlessly surf....

The end of an era...

sorta, kinda, not really.  I have one more week left of school, and then I'm off for a semester.  I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with myself until October!  I was just hit with the stunning realization that I'm going to *miss* school.  Me.  Miss school.  I'm the girl that hated, loathed and detested school until college.  Granted I think a lot of it had to do with the social situations in high school, and the rigidity of the curriculum.  Still.  I'm going to miss school?  This just hit me, I really enjoy school.  As much as I love staying at home with my son, at three he's not the most intellectually stimulating person I've ever met.  Discussions about Mickey Mouse or trying to convince him (as he is my son, and about as stubborn as his mother) that cleaning is a good idea don't really ring my bell.  Even the classes I dread, or don't really enjoy (math anyone?) are somehow a welcome break.  I think it's because it's the one thing in my life just now that is just about me.  As selfish as it sounds, at school I am Bonnie.  I'm not a mom, a wife, or any of the other roles I hold, I'm just me.  And it's a relief.  So as of next week I get my 'summer vacation' for approximately 7-10ish weeks, and then we welcome our new son :)  I'm very excited about that.  I never thought I wanted kids when I was younger, but I can't imagine my life without my one son now.  I miss the sweet baby stage!  As much as I love the fact that my 3 year old is more independent now, I miss the sweet baby smell and cuddles and closeness of a baby.  B.  was never a 'difficult' baby, so maybe that's why I miss it so much.  He didn't really cry, or fuss.  He just wanted to be held all the time, and since he was my first I had plenty of time to do it :)  I shouldn't really complain, as my 'baby' is still only three.  As much as I rejoice in his growing up and learning new things, a part of me is panicking and thinking it is going by way too fast!  The irrational part of me is screaming that it has *not* been three years since my boy was born!  Alas, my baby is now into planes, trains and automobiles and is running from about 7 A.M till 8 or 9 at night.  He'll be joining mommy in school in just 2 years!!  (He already wants to :)  Doesn't understand why mommy gets to and he doesn't.  I guess I'm waxing reminiscent because I'm pretty sure this will be our last baby.  I'd like to leave the option for one more in the future, but I'm not sure how feasible this might be.  I'm only in the first year for my BA, and then I'm planning on graduate work as well.  If I keep having babies, I might be 90 before I get a job :)  I also got my SSA statement in the mail the other day and it made me realize that right now I'm worth more dead than alive!  Granted that might be because I'm not working at all right now, but when you can die and double your families income that's pretty sad.   So as much as I enjoy school, and know that in the end it will improve the quality of life for my family, right now it feels like a selfish indulgence.  In good news, my stepdad submitted DH's resume at his work and they called him!  Said he would probably be calling back in a couple of weeks to set up an interview.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's really hard.  The CFO quit at DH's current job and pulled DH aside and told him that finding another job would be a *very* good idea.  Apparently DH's boss is facing imminent bankruptcy unless he manages to win a huge contract within the next six months.  While this may not have been an ethical move on the CFO's part, I appreciate the head's up, but am a little nervous here.  Hopefully this job will come through.  Oh well enough babbling for today.