Ok, so I've been disappointed thinking that no one reads my blog. In a way that's fine because it's a catharsis for me, in another way it feels kind of crappy because it seems like no one cares. I also know I tend to be paranoid about stuff like this because I've always been the invisible girl. Oh well. I did my presentation. It did not go as well as I hoped. This was mainly my fault because I pushed it off until it was due, which happened to be the day that DS hurt his finger. I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I'm still disappointed because I really wanted to impress my teacher. He is a great guy and his opinion means a lot to me. I have to expand on the presentation for a paper due on Tuesday. I'm just going to buckle down and pray I do better =) It seems that all the people I'm closest to have been hiding things from me because they "don't want to upset me" It seems a little silly. I'm not made of glass. If I get upset, I'll get over it, that's the way life works. For instance, yesterday DH had a really rough day at work (kind of an ongoing situation, boss is a real jerk and takes it out on DH b/c he knows DH can't afford to quit.) He doesn't call me to talk about it because he's afraid I'll get upset. Money is really tight right now, and we are slowly starting to get in a semi-comfortable position from when he got laid off 3 years ago. Now he called my mom to talk about it, which is great! DH is a foster child, so I'm thrilled he's 'adopted' my mom and feels comfortable talking to her. I wish he would do the same for me. My mom also told me today that she had a job offer in Texas. She turned it down, but didn't want to tell me about it until she knew for sure what was happening, again so I wouldn't be upset. Now yea it would suck if she moved. We moved here so DS would be close to grandma, and they are the only people we know here. On the other hand, if that's what they needed to do, again that's life. It seems almost like they don't trust me. I am far from being made of glass =) I'm trying Flylady (again) for the 4 billionth time. My inherently skeptical nature just does not let me believe that shining my sink will lead to a friendly clutter free abode. I need a brain transplant =) Well it's late and I'm starting to mistype everything so to bed I go!

:(~~~~

I'm such a bad mommy :( My poor baby cut his finger, badly. We were in the kitchen and I turned my back and he grabbed a butcher knife. Not just any old knife but a big old butcher knife. So a trip to the ER and two stitches later we're back home. (you say two stitches is no big deal, he's two, his fingers aren't that big). I feel awful...

Argh!

Why is it that whenever I sit down to write something, I get writers wall? I have been trying to write a commentary on Ibsen's Hedda Gabler, I know what I want to say and I can't get it out. I'm also trying to quit smoking and the only thing that is going through my head is "I want a cigarette" DH is also trying to quit, and we had a huge fight this morning. So what do I do? I get cigarettes, and now I hate myself for it. It's one of those head banging against a wall problems.

It's been a while.

Well it has been a while since I've written :) Things of note...DH and I had our 3rd anniversary. It's funny but it doesn't feel like just 3 years. In some ways it feels like he has always been around. It's kind of the same with my son, it just feels like he's always been a part of my life...We aren't really doing anything for the anniversary, we don't really have the money so we are just having a family night :) The upside is that this Saturday is one of the universities scheduled "off weekend" so I don't have to go to school tomorrow :) In semi ucky news I have done our taxes. We made way more than I thought we did so I'm just hoping it doesn't affect my financial aid. Hey if nothing else I can hawk us up to our eyebrows in loans :D There are 4 good sized hospitals right around were I live not to mention all the other towns/clinics near us so chances are I'll get a good job quickly after I graduate. I'm loving my Great Books class. The professor formerly known as Dr. Intimidation is amazing. Don't get me wrong...I'm still petrified about doing my presentation, but the professor is awesome. He makes me think, and see things in a different light. I come out of his class feeling alive! I also come out of his class and babble for about 2 hours at my husband, but he doesn't mind and loves that I'm excited so hey :) It bothers me about the other students though. They are sitting in class and complaining about *everything*! This course isn't what they expected, they don't understand it, they don't like the readings blah blah blah. I guess maybe because I went back later in life, and am paying for it myself I'm a little more laid back about it. I know college isn't the end of the world, and one class is not going to ruin my life....I dunno, they just seem awful whiny ;)

Back to the bump and grind...

Well after a couple of eventful days weatherwise, we are back to normal. I actually had class tonight, and had my first quiz. I know I missed at least one question (hopefully that's it!) I have started reading the Mitford series by Jan Karon. I've been seeing 'blips' on this series for over a year now, so I figured I would try it out. It seems like sometimes the universe keeps pointing things out to me repeatedly until I pay attention (this book is one of them!) I first noticed it being reviewed on Good Morning America, then it was recommended on a readers group I belong to, then I saw it mentioned in a couple of blogs and so on and so forth. So I give into the universe and maybe it will quiet down for a while :) DS was acting oddly today...He barely ate, and slept from about 4:30 on. He doesn't have a fever, so I'm hoping it was maybe just a blah day. (Do two year olds have blah days?) I'm really really ready for spring. I'm just getting all discombobulated (I love that word :) ) I have no motivation for anything. I don't want to clean, read, do homework. If I could get away with it I would meld with my recliner till March. For instance, am I trying to decipher tonights Stats lecture? Nope I'm sitting here typing for you good people. In stitching news, I am almost finished with my first project of 2004. You can see what it should look like here: Twinkle It's really cute, and reminds me of one of my online friends :) Well I think I've put off homework long enough!

Colors..

Saw this on Prinn's blog, I got blue =)

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Secrets...

I've got one!! and I'm about to burst I want to tell someone so badly, but that would ruin it!!ARGHHH!

The Time Has Come....

The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-
Of cabbages- and kings—
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings."

I love this poem, and Lewis Carrol :) It fits my mood tonight. I'm in a very "Alice In Wonderland" mood. I have seen several stitchers entries on the state of the union, and all I've got to say is bah. I liked Prinn's notion best (see Perle Moon) in that she has her opinion and it's not worth arguing over...I agree. I have my opinion and no one is going to change that. Nope not going to publish it here, cuz I don't even want to discuss it. =)

In other news =) a stitcher from the TWBB really made my night tonight. It seems kind of silly that something as simple as an e-mail can perk up my day. She said she really respected all that I'm juggling right now (which almost made me laugh considering how much she has on her plate!!) It came at just the right time, because I was starting to get down about how chaotic my life is. Deep down I know school is worth it, I really love going. It makes me feel alive to be fed all of this information. I have this niggling little voice that sits in the back of my head giving me doubts, making me second guess myself. Luckily, I have a *very* supportive husband, and all of the people on the TWBB are incredibly supportive!

I had my stats class tonight, I think I'm going to hurt my teacher :P The last class she had, she went very fast (which I love!) This class, she went sooooo slow I had to fight to stay awake. Now this is the meek little mouse teacher, so she is either finally getting comfortable with this class, or someone complained about the lightning fast pace. A part of me disagrees with it if someone complained. This is college, if you can't meet the standards you shouldn't be there. It sounds kind of harsh to put it that way, but I always thought that once you reached college the days of classes being taught to the lowest commondenominatorr were over. You could either do it, or you couldn't. I don't mean to sound cruel here. The last thing I want is to imply I'm superior to anyone. I probably just have a skewed view of higher education =) Completely possible as my views are always slightly off, it's part of my charm darn it!

I'd like to ponder the joys of my two year old for a moment =) He polyurethaned my monitor today. How did he get polyurethane you ask? Well my husband does wood burning, and uses an oil based polyurethane to protect the results. He had a work area set up in our dining room (which we never use as a dining room, long story) The dining room is onlyaccessiblee when I'm in the kitchen, we keep it blocked off at all other times. Well my too smart for his own good son, snuck in the dining room while I was fixing dinner, stole the polyurethane (in a spray can) and snuck upstairs to the den. I went searching when the house got quiet (always a sign of trouble with a toddler) and wah lah....schellacked monitors. Moral of the story folks....Rubbingalcoholl does remove oil based polyurethanes from monitors.... Thank you Wendy =) We got the boys hair cut this weekend and he looks so much older!! It amazes me how much he has grown. A part of me is so proud of the big boy he is becoming, and another part of me wants to keep him my baby forever. Oh well the joys of being amommye. Well I better run, as DH wants my computer (yay *I* have the good puter now =) )

Things I love.

Since my last couple of entries were me bi*ching I thought I would list some things I love...
I love that if my son is hurt or upset, I am the one he runs to.
I love that my husband got me flowers, just because I made Dean's List.
I love that my anniversary is coming up and just about a week.
I love that I'm in school.
I love the Wendy's Chicken BLT salad.
I love the way my son cuddles.
I love the way he makes *me* put him in bed.
I love being close to my mom.
I love financial aid checks in the mail.
I love that my mom thinks my cross stitch is beautiful.
I love the fact that I woke up this morning (even if it was way too early!)
I love the fact that even though it's cold enough to freeze a well digger's rear off, the sun is shining.
I love my poor little rosebush that I planted last summer.
I love the blue of a sky in the middle of summer.
I love that my husband spoils me rotton =)
I love to remember all that I have, instead of dwelling on all that I don't.

More Changes...

Ok, the last template was just too upbeat for my current mood, so I'm changing again =) This is much more subdued and fits my mid-winter blues....adjustments still to be made.

Snow

I'm so tired. I'm tired of winter, of having no colors, of the gray salt splattered view of the world. I'm tired of being cold. I really need to move someplace warmer. If I could find somewhere where the average temperature (except for Christmas Day) is about 75 I would be in heaven. Of course I still want my white Christmas =)

DH and I bought Bruce Allmighty yesterday. I *loved* it. It was so funny and still wasn't fluffy. I had my first full day of weekend classes on Saturday also. I think I'm a glutton for punishment. I also forsee my blogging and internet time diminishing quickly (not to mention stitching.)

We've bought our first pack of 'training' pants for DS, he had an accident last night (expected) but has done well so far today, lets keep our fingers crossed!

I'm better now

I've had my first 'real' class with Dr. Intimidation, and as usual (get ready to be shocked here folks) I've probably overreacted. I really do like the way he teaches. I even spoke up in class a couple times, and he didn't tell me I was stupid once! We had to choose three stories in order of preference for our presentation. I chose Wuthering Heights, Hedda Gabler by Ibsen, and Stories from the Underground by Doesteyevsky (I think....) So if anyone has read these and has insights, don't be shy, let me know! Personally I hope I get Wuthering Heights, for a couple of reasons...1. I've read it before so I'm familiar with the work and 2. It's not slated to be presented on untill after spring break so I get to see how the others present their pieces and I get to put off doing it as long as possible =) Bonnie putting something off? No.....not me!! I'm the queen of promptness and punctuality...Now I'll take your leave before you choke on your beverage...

A Time for Reflection

I seem to be dwelling a lot on the past lately. Or my past keeps coming up to get me =) I spent a good amount of time yesterday talking to an old friend of mine, E. E and I dated when we were 16, and ended up becoming really great friends. We were roommates together when I moved back to Chicago, he stood up in my wedding with me, asked me to stand up is his (I had just had my son, was nursing and couldn't travel at that point =) ) That's the thing I miss the most about being here, my best friends are in Chi-town. There is nothing like a really old friend. They know everything there is to know about you, you don't have to explain things, they like your weirdness. It's like a pair of sneakers you've had forever, they just fit. The blog posting yesterday also got me to thinking, I've met most of the important people in my life over the internet. I met E. in one of those old text chatboards, I met J. through him. Let me tell you, if you ever need a drinking buddy and you are in Chicago, let me know. J. is the best drinking buddy :) (It also helps if you have a passion for mediocre cover bands) I met DH through ICQ. I think I love the internet just because I am so painfully shy in person. I just never say the 'right' thing, so usually end up saying nothing at all. That is of course until I get to know you and then you can't shut me up! My dad always used to tell me he should have named me Brooke, because I babble like one =P Oh and I've figured out what I like about getting older. I'm finally getting comfortable in my own skin. I'm a geek...not a techno geek, but a good old fashioned geek, I'm tubby (or fluffy or whatever term is P.C. today) and I don't mind. I'm never going to look like a model, my husband thinks I'm sexy and that's all that counts. Ok I do kind of wish that I didn't gain a majority of the weight in my tummy, cuz the perpetually pregnant look isn't the image I'm going for but I don't hate it enough to do crunches. Like I told my friend Wendy, until they make exercise bikes out of chocolate, I'm not buying. I'm smart, and I like it :) I'm going back to school, and this time I'm the idiot waving her hand and oh ohing at the teacher because I'm *proud* I know the answer. Hey for a while there I thought the pregnancy brain had evolved into permanent baby brain. If you remember the commercial that shows the woman wandering around with her infant all day, talking baby talk and later that night at the opera, she just can't stop, That's what I was turning into. That's another thing...I used to be this 'tough' chick. I didn't really cry, I was cynical, I was jaded (at least I thought I was) Then I had a baby and these wonderful things called hormones. Now two and a half years later I cry at hallmark commercials. I thought the hormones were supposed to go away!!! Oh and don't even come near me during PMS, I cry at *everything*! Songs, commercials, silly movies of the week. I try not to I just can't help it!! ARGH!!! And on that note I think I'll collect whatever shreds of sanity I still posses and move on :) One Last note (if you've managed to muddle through all this!!) I really enjoy the comments, so please feel free to leave em =)

Thinking....

I was reading a post in a blog from another member of a crossstitch board I read, and it started me to thinking. It was about temporary friends. I've had a lot of those. And I (much like the writer of the original post) tend to wonder what's wrong with me that people keep drifting away. I've come to the conclusion that it's not me. It's the fact that as close as we seem to get on others from the internet, we never truely know them. It's always easier to walk away from something that isn't in the physical world. It still hurts when it happens though. When I was young, my mom always used to tell me, "If they don't like you it's their loss." I always dismissed that as it was just mom drivel, but the older I get the more it strikes home. I am a nice person, with a worthwhile point of view. If someone doesn't want my friendship, that's fine. I do have friends who value me, I have a husband who adores me, and I'm pretty sure my two year old thinks I'm a god :) So I'm ok, you're ok, we're all ok!

Now I'm frightened...

I just got back from my Great Books class, and now I'm frightened...The professor has been teaching at the University since 1968. When you do the math...that's ten years before I was born. He just radiates intelligence, and intimidates the hell outta me =) I keep telling myself that if I wasn't qualified to be in the class, I wouldn't have been allowed to take it, but lemme tell ya I am frightened! Well that and the fact that a major chunk of my grade is based on a presentation. I *hate* standing in front of groups to speak. I can do one on one relatively well, but large groups terrify me. I can feel my whole face flush and I tend to stutter when I get really nervous. I tried taking Drama in high school, hoping it would help. It didn't really. When I was acting, it's like I was that character, so if the character embarrased themselves, it wasn't me. (how crazy is that?) Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated =)

silly me...

O.k. I think I've added all the nifties I wanted to =) Big thanks to Kay, since I was posted to most of the websites I used by her blog! Now I just have to wait for DH to get home, and class tonight, to see if I can center the skin. The ad peeking out of the top is really irritating me.

I was looking through my text for my great books class (Norton's Anthology Vol. II) and there was a passage from Madame Bovary in there. I started skimming and was actually interested! It surprises me because from what I remember of the 'classics' they bored me out of my skull. Since then I have stuck mainly to sci-fi and fantasy. Of course I'm re-reading Wuthering Heights right now and I'm interested in that (shrug). Also, as you can see I finally found a comments 'thingy' =) I'm excited about this expanding web knowledge! Of course it will really be impressive when I can design my own blog skin =) Watch out internet here I come!

changes...

In the process of making changes...please be patient while I update!

A schooling I will go :)

Well it's back to school time! Oddly enough (especially for a girl who goofed off as much as I did in high school!) I'm really happy. I only have one class for Mondays and Wednesdays, and it was the one I was dreading the most: Quantitative Methods in Psychology. How's that for intimidating? The professor is a masters probably going for her PHD., I think she's a first year too. She seems like a meek, shy churchmouse :) She only kept us for 15 minutes, to go over the syllabus, and said that most (if not all) the tests would be open book (yay!!) I think I'll enjoy her teaching, especially since I tend to be meek and shy with people I don't know either. So as usual, the class I was dreading the most, doesn't seem that bad. Now let's see how the class I'm looking forward to the most goes =) It starts tomorrow, and is called Great Books. I thought I would enjoy it because I devour books. My mom threatened to stop buying me books when I was 10 because I would read the whole thing in one sitting! I only hope that I can pass my love of reading on to my son. It has been such an important part of my life! It has helped me to escape, to dream and to reach for things I never thought possible. I don't think it will be a problem, as everyone on my side of the family loves reading. My DH isn't a big reader, but he agrees that it's something that is very important, and I know he will support me on this. In other news, I am trying to teach myself HTML. This excites DH to no end =) His passion is all that is computers, and I have never really shown a huge interest in it before. I told him that I found a primer on the web and he wanted to hand me his HTML Bible! I had to convince him that it would be slow going, especially with school starting again. It started because he bought me a domain. You can see its first pitiful incarnation here: . Very boring. I want to make both that and my blog more interesting, so it makes sense to have a basic knowledge of HTML. That and maybe if I can make an interesting website I can convince the hubby that I *need* a digi camera =) I make it sound like I need his permission, which isn't really true because I'm the family accountant, but it's always good to give him the illusion of control ;) (Just Kidding honey!!)

New Shoes...

I'm not a 'girly' girl, never have been. I would much rather lounge around in a comfy flannel and sweats than get all dolled up. But...I got new shoes today and I'm actually happy :) More specifically I got new sneakers, which thrills me to no end cuz my old ones the soles were half off. Of course that's my own fault because I have the bad habit of taking them off by stepping on the back of them (sorry mom!) We were at the mall today and Payless was having a buy 2 get one free sale so the whole family got new shoes!! We also ate lunch at an authentic Mexican restaurant! I love *real* Mexican food. My best friend took me to one of her family reunions and her Mexican grandmother is the best cook :) She also spoiled me for life on the food. I will admit it, I am a food snob. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, it just has to be done right! Come to think of it, some of the best food I've ever had is in the cheap hole in the wall restaurants :) We also went to JoAnn's because I needed some more needles (don't ask me where they go, I think I have a needle hoarding pixie in my living room) and DH told me to get the DMC stitchbow travel kit, which is soooo cool! I love new toys! And tomorrow we are going and getting me a new light so I can actually see when I stitch at night :) There was a jewelry store going out of business in the mall, so out of curiosity we went in to browse. DH really needs a new wedding band. The one we bought when we got married was really cheap and it shows. So we are looking and I asked to see a diamond ring. It was huge! I asked her the price.....$50,000, discounted to 10K! I almost choked. I have never been near anything that expensive before! Honestly, it was gorgeous, but why would you spend that much money on jewelry? It doesn't serve any purpose. At least with my cross stitching, it's a productive hobby *and* something beautiful. Oh well :) Oh and we got this really pretty frame for my Dean's List certificate. After some creative folding (it was 8.5" x 11" and is now in an 8 x 10" frame) it is in and looks impressive :) I am so proud of me, and it's awesome. It's been a long time since I have felt this sense of self pride and accomplishment :) Yay me!

Blah...

I'm in kind of a blah mood today. Not really good, not really bad, just there... Obviously I haven't figured out the comments thingy, oh well. Maybe I'll see if my DH can figure it out. On the up side, I found my Rush C.D.'s and am listening blissfully to Hemispheres as I type :) I was talking with DH last night and reminiscing about my 'wild' single days. Granted I was never really wild, unless you compare it to my stay at home mom existence now. I remember my best friend and I going out to the bars every Saturday and listening to cover bands :) Some great, some ok (but cute enough to make up for their mediocrity!) A large part of me misses those days, yet I still realize that it wouldn't be the same if I went back. I mean, none of us are single anymore, a couple of us have kids. I would like to be closer to them again. We don't know anyone here except my family. Neither DH or myself are good at making friends :) I love being close to my mom though. It's great for DS, and she is one of my best friends. It's funny, we never really fought like I've heard that mothers and daughters do. When I was in the 'wild' days, she even came down and went out with me and my best friend. I suppose that's enough living in the past for one day :) I'm going to go back to my stitching. I told DH last night that it figures I wouldn't get into a stitching mood until right before school starts :P I'm working on Sweet Dreams by Lavender and Lace, and it's sooooo pretty :) Have a great day!